My cozy little world got well shaken a few days ago when I found out that a good friend and colleague had lost her home in a fire and that her elderly mother had died in that fire. It was yet another reminder about the fragility of life as we know it ...and an invitation to ponder how often we create those invitations for ourselves as we age.

Like me, I'm sure if you are edging towards retirement, or are actually living it, you'll be finding that the number of times you hear about friends, acquaintenances and colleagues dying is increasing. Now I hold myself to be fortunate in that I was widowed at a very young age so have carried with me all my adult life a mindfulness that life can change in a heartbeat. Many of my friends and clients are only now coming to grips with this 'reality' and I've had over 30 years to live in such a way that I savored life as it unfolded rather than defering my enjoyment of it until some mythical time in the future.

In chatting with my good buddy Mike, we are both struck by how strong the belief is amongst our peers that deferred gratification is somehow good for you. We've also noticed that in our generation it is also a specific kind of defered gratification ...creating a meaningful life seems to be something many of us keep putting off until other goals and objectives have been reached and satisfied. We're not very good at deferred gratification in the physical sense: we want the big houses, nice cars, quality furnishings, glamorous vacations, spa treatments, nicely turned out bodies that require frequent trips to the spa and esthetician, kids who are well dressed, well (and expensively) educated, etc., etc., etc. And most of us are prepared to work at jobs that drain our soul (or that we detest) in order to have it all.

I was talking to a potential client one day about his future. He had just spent some time telling me about how miserable his life was, how trapped he felt by many things and that the only thing that kept him going was the dream of a retirement where he would finally be able to be happy, to relax and enjoy himself and where he'd have all the time in the world to discover his true Self.

He was startled when I asked him how he thought he was going to accomplish all of this when he was 55+ if he wasn't able to now. It had never dawned on him that there was no magic switch that turned on and turned him into a different person when he got the gold watch at his retirement party. It was shocking for him to discover that all the things that he dreamt about retirement were based in patterns of thinking and that he was investing himself not one iota in learning how to think himself into being happy, being relaxed, enjoying life, discovering himSelf.

Happiness doesn't happen just because you've saved the requisite amount of money that financial planners say you should and you no longer go to work every day. Happiness and contentment are things you learn to create for yourself. You have to be awake to notice when they are present and you have to invest yourself in a discovery process so that you know what brings you that state of being.

One of the exercises I get my career transition and retirement clients to engage is an exploration of the topic "success". Try it yourself ...make a list of 20 successes you've had in your life. Make the successes as specific as possible ('I took vacation with my kids that summer that my boss required so much overtime' as opposed to 'I was a good parent'). Have them be things that are meaningful to you about your life as opposed to what others thought were successes ('I turned that difficult client into an ally' rather than 'I got the 2004 Customer Service award). Go back as far in your life as you want and look in all areas of your life: work, home, hobbies, sports, community, spiritual, etc., etc. When you have your list completed, reflect on it for a while. What do you know about your rules for yourself and success? (e.g. could you even find 20 stories or is your benchmark so high that only the most noble efforts quality?) What are the patterns hidden in your list? (e.g. do you only notice success if you've had a problem to overcome?) Do your successes cluster in time? (e.g. all your successes happened before you turned 35/after you got married or promoted/when you were taking courses).

When you've completed this exercise, make a list of all the people you know or know of (include celebrities or public figures). What is it about them that you hold them successful? What are the indicators you use to define success in someone else? How does this list compare to what you know about how you assess success in yourself? ...don't be surprised to discover that success in others in measured largely in things like accumulation of status symbols (including recognition), apparent wealth, etc. Also don't be surprised to discover that the measures you use on yourself are significantly tougher, more values based and dismiss many of the external trappings of your life. What does this mean for you in your later years do you think? Will you continue to feel like a success when you are no longer gainfully employed? When you no longer have travel and a nice job title to back you up? How do success, happiness and contentment dance together for you?

What's their relationship to resilience? Because what I've noticed as I've lost friends through death, addiction or diseases such as Alzheimer's is that my resilience is key to my remaining hale, hearty and whole as my life moves on. I choose not to become brittle and embittered despite whatever tragedies occur around me. And I know my investment in my own Self growth is the key to it all. I am absolutely convinced that staying awake to my inner states is critical to living richly and rewardingly, regardless of my age or physical condition. So I thank my friend for the reminder to stay awake, to enjoy my life as it unfolds rather than waiting for the time for enjoyment to come along, and to create each day as a meaningful one so that when my last day arrives I can leave knowing that my journey has been a great one.