The process of waking up each day is a very fertile process for me. Some of my most insightful thoughts occur in those moments when sleep is dissipating and my intellect is reclaiming my mind. Today's insight is related to the title I've used for this blog "edging towards retirement". I just noticed how much "edging towards" is a strategy I use for living my life.

And it's paradoxical because I hold myself to be a get-going, take charge, no dawling around kind of person. ha, ha, ha, ha ...looks like I am that and an "edger" too. I notice that the get-going, take charge Me occurs either in situations that are highly routine and the mundane aspects of living life ...household projects, logistics for my business, etc., etc. The "edging towards" Me comes out to play as I'm getting busy to make a major decision.

I remember back to my 2nd marriage. I knew within 6 months of signing on the dotted line that I'd made a terrible mistake, yet it took me another 3 years to increasing misery to extricate myself from the situation. I've had numerous jobs in my life where I know it's time to move on and yet I stay as I "edge towards" making the decision to move on.

It seems like the need to "edge towards" something typically surfaces when there are personal relationships involved. Jumping right into it is the strategy I seem to evoke when I'm engaging with things or abstracts.

So now I find myself wondering what relationships I anticipate shifting dramatically when retirement finally arrives in my life ...is it my relationship to mySelf and what's possible for me? is it my relationship with Greg? Is it something quite different that I've never noticed before because I haven't been paying attention? I also notice that the language I use around retirement is pretty passive ...when retirement 'arrives' presupposes that I won't have any say in the matter, it'll just show up and impose itself on my one day. ...now that's an interesting take on how I seem to be creating my world!

I think I'm heading into a very interesting week as I mindfully begin to track for all the times I step into something and all the times I notice myself 'edging towards' other things to see whether these patterns are as present and entrenched as I suspec they are. I notice that I'm beginning to wonder what the advantages are for me to live this way? And probably even more importantly how do I limit myself by living this way? Where else in my life am I 'edging towards' rather than just making a damned decision and getting on with it???