Togetherness. How much is enough? How much is too much? Togetherness is an issue that many couples struggle with throughout life and that surfaces as a big issue when they contemplate retirement.

In my experience what most people who have a big 'togetherness' conversation going don't notice and never get around to addressing is that togetherness is seldom about togetherness. It is usually based in much deeper issues and concerns such as trust and intimacy.

For many people, the need to have their life partner at their side most of the time stems from an inability to trust themselves. To trust that they are sufficiently interesting, dynamic people that they can create sustainable friendships with others. To trust that if they go off and 'play' with others that they will still have an interest in returning home. To trust that if they aren't in control of their partner's whereabouts at all time that person isn't being unfaithful to them.

Others have a challenge with intimacy. By that I mean a state of being where they can be authentically themselves with others. In our culture we tend to equate intimacy with sex and that simply isn't what it's about. Great sex only occurs when intimacy is present; it is a manifestation of intimacy. But intimacy is first about knowing and accepting Self and then about being willing to be vulnerable enough to allow someone else to truly see who we are.

Think about it ...when was the last time you really explored who you are and are capable of becoming? Because if you don't know that, you can never experience intimacy with another person. You'll try, try, try to get close to people and always feel like you are alone. No amount of time spent with another human being, regardless of how many years you've spent with that person, will ever fill your need and yearning for togetherness. You may even find that you drive one another crazy by being in one another's presence all the time and yet feel like you are still missing something.

I was listening to a radio conversation about a book review that dealt with friendship. Don't even know what the book was called because I missed the introduction of the show. But I did catch an interesting discussion of one chapter where the author explored the differences between men and women and the friendship conversation. They noted that in surveys, most men report that their wives/partners are their best friend, while most women report people other than their husband/partner as their best friend. I've been pondering that interesting factoid for a few days now and while I don't have an answer, here's where my musings have taken me.

Most men in our culture (especially of the baby boomer and earlier generations) learn early in life that a man's primary job is to be a 'do-er' of deeds. They interact with other men and share themselves with men based on what they get up to in life. Women, on the other hand, continue to be enculturated to be the maintainers of relationships and therefore relate to others, whether they be men or women, based on who they are 'be-ing' in the world. So men frequently find in a woman a place where they can safely 'be' themselves, whereas women can 'be' themselves with a wide variety of people.

Now I know that this is a broad generalization and there will be many who will not conform to this generalization. However, in my experience, it certainly seems to apply to a very great extent. I know that because of the nature of the work that I have chosen I have the opportunity to work with a lot of men who are interested in exploring their 'be-ingness' and who are much more comfortable than many revealing that aspect of themselves to others, whether they be men or women. But I do notice that when I interact with men who have not chosen to take a pathway that explores Self these generalizations seem starglingly accurate.

So back to the togetherness conversation. I think a critical series of conversations any couple needs to have as the kids leave home and as we begin to consider a full-time or part-time withdrawal from the world of work is togetherness. The degree of stress you can expect to experience in your interactions with one another if you ignore resolving this issue can be enormous and can have far reaching impact on the quality of your life. There is no right answer, there is only what the two of you conclude is right for you when you give yourself permission to be open and honest about your personal needs, interests and desires.