I encountered yet another couple this week who are discovering that retirement isn't turning out to be anything like they thought it would be. They are youngish retirees in their early 60's who had really looked forward to the experience. They are financially comfortable, have good relationships with their children, hobbies and friends.

But he's finding that he just can't sleep at night. Nothing specific seems to be wrong, just this restlessness, this undefinable sense that he can't settle, that there is something missing. And I'm curious about what kind of deep inner conversations he's having with himself about who he is anymore now that work no longer defines him. This undefinable but clearly present state of restlessness occurs for many people, men in particular, when their identity as worker is no longer present and a new identity has not yet been created.

And here's the really sad thing about it. He's not willing or ready yet to do something about it other than complain! So all the possible interventions that could help to make a difference for him are unavailable to him. Sad really. Makes me think of someone drowning with willing lifeguards all around but the drowning person won't let them touch him! My hope for him at this stage is that he doesn't make a visit to his family doctor and become diagnosed as "depressed" and saddled with a prescription for something and a warning that he'll have to take this for the rest of his life.

I think that one of the saddest things that happens as we age is that medications are used to 'manage' symptoms with very little effort being put into exploring the root causes of the symptoms. The medical literature on aging is scary to read when you consider how over medicated we can quickly become. How quickly we can begin to walk down that slippery slope too. This man I mentioned earlier is displaying many of the signs of someone who is heading in that direction. And yet I hold out hope that now that he knows there are non-medical options available to him that he may consider them. I suspect that it won't be an easy choice for him. Less easy than if he were a woman. Another generalization coming here ...but in my experience men have a much more difficult time being willing to explore their emotional or psychic pain than women are. Here is one place in our life that we women have a cultural advantage. We've been raised to believe that it's okay not only to have the emotions, but it is okay to seek help for resolving our emotional pain. We can much more easily give ourselves permission to talk about what is troubling us, to let others see the pain we are experiencing.

People keep asking me why I do the work I do. This couple, especially the man, are the reason I do this. I am very tired of meeting and hearing about people who by rights should be heading into a wonderful period of their lives. The pressure of raising kids, building a marriage and developing a career pretty much behind them. And yet so often that step into retirement is a step into discomfort and pain. I am committed to doing whatever I can to helping a few people regain life as a positive experience. Now that brings meaning to my life!

By the way, some folks have been asking about the photos in my blog. They are either photos of my garden, my art or interesting places I've visited. I hope you enjoy them.

Getting stiff. I've noticed as I've aged that my body has begun to stiffen up. My joints are slow to respond, especially early in the day. I've begun to recognize that regular stretching is important to keeping the physical plant well oiled. Gosh, remember the days when 'well oiled' meant getting drunk! Now it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

And that has gotten me thinking, as I edge ever so slowly towards that thing called retirement, that if my body is a metaphor for me life, I wonder where I'm stiffening up in ways that aren't perhaps so obvious to me? Where am I becoming rigid in my outlook and beliefs where I used to be flexible? What are the implications for this stiffening up?

As I look around I see so many people experiencing all kinds of life issues because they have become stiff and inflexible and that makes life a lot more difficult to live. What used to be useful guidelines for living successfully have, over time, become barriers and boundaries that lock us in to ways of living that are robbing us of flexibility and vitality.

I think of some of the older single women I know who are dreading retirement because of the social isolation they know will accompany it. For many, work has become their only social outlet and when that's gone, they have no idea what they'll do. I've suggested to some of them that they consider some sort of co-housing arrangement with other single women. And the typical response is "I couldn't do that. Someone else would be mucking around with my stuff then." I always chuckle to think that having control of the placement of one's stuff has become more important to many than having the warmth and support of another human being's presence in their lives.

And this rigidity isn't restricted to single women. Many men I know fuss over how the lawn needs to be mowed exactly so. How the garbage must be stored in a special way and piled at the curb exactly the same way each week. How the tools must be lined up in the garage, etc., etc. I can relate to all of these because I have my rules about linen closets, in particular, but about any closet or drawer organization.

And I'm paying more attention to how what I fondly think of as my "quirks" can actually become my life's straightjacket if I'm not staying awake.

I noticed a while back that I wasn't making as many friends as I used to. And I noticed that what had crept into my life when I wasn't looking were a whole pile of presumptions about what other people needed to demonstrate in order to qualify as friends. I was startled by how rigid I had become and it certainly helped to explain some things. Since that moment of realization, I've paid more attention to the thoughts running through my head as I go about my life and interact with others. I make a point of remaining awake to the judgements I have about others when I meet them and I challenge myself regularly about whether that judgement is really serving me or is just some rule left over from an earlier phase of my life.

Since I began that practice I've noticed that I once again am moving through life feeling like I'm blessed to have an ever increasing circle of people I care about and who care about me. I feel good about that because I know that maintaining meaningful social networks is one key to successful aging.

My friend Mike and I were talking about money and retirement a while back. We were both struck by how much of the literature on retirement and aging that we were reading stressed the link between money and quality of life. And we chatted about how many older people we each knew who had very little money but lived a great quality of life in spite of it. We began to realize that financial wealth wasn't the only thing that was important, despite what most of the literature has to say. Social wealth was also a critical factor to quality of life.

So today my thoughts are exploring the many ways in which we can limit our access to social wealth in retirement for several reasons: in leaving the workforce we leave behind not only many types of daily social interactions, but in many cases we lose access to the potential to continue to experience those interactions. We frequently become set in our ways, we literally 'stiffen up', in terms of who we invite into our world which limits the depth and breadth of people we interact with and our social circle begins to shrink. We become comfortable with a small circle of people who are very like us in their outlook and beliefs and become less tolerant of divergent views as our thinking isn't challenged very often by the sameness of those we invite into our lives.

And it doesn't have to be that way. How willing are you to be in staying awake as you age? How much of yourself are you willing to invest today into remaining supple and flexible in your thinking so that you continue to create social wealth long into the future. Your well being and longevity could be resting on it! I know that writing this posting has been a good reminder to me to stay on top of this particular conversation.

I've mentioned before that in my web research about retirement I've been struck by how much material out there is about money. And it is about a specific aspect of money: saving enough. One could even say it is really more about supporting the lifestyles of members of the financial planning community than anything else!

However, what is talked about almost as little as the quality of life issues associated with retirement are the quirky money situations that can arise around retirement. Let me give you some examples:

If you choose to live with your adult children, how do you deal with the money issues? Are you investing capital in the purchase of a home that will support you all? If so, what honest, open conversations are you having about what happens long term. What happens to your investment when you eventually either die or need to move into some sort of care facility? If you have other children, how are their financial interests taken care of long term? If your children become insolvent or otherwise lose their ability to meet their financial obligations where does that leave you?

In my experience there is a lot of bullying, pressure and outright abuse that goes on in these kinds of situations that nobody is willing to talk about or address.

If you aren't investing capital but are living with adult children, what conversations are you having with them about who makes the decisions about financial priorities, the type and quantity of food, decor, and entertainment that is possible and acceptable. What about privacy issues? Whose standards of tidyness and cleanliness will be adhered to? What kind of complaint or problem resolution process will you put in place?

Then there are the loans that are not at all unusual amongst families. Who gets to know about them? How do you deal with quibbling amongst siblings? How do you protect your long-term financial intersts? Consider that you loan a child a significant amount of money to buy a house, start a business or pay off debts. You are still working and retirement is several years away and you are more than happy to help your children out. But what happens if life suddenly changes for you and your health starts to suffer and you need that money back. Is it gone forever? What arrangements have you put in place and what agreements do you have about repayment?

I remember that my mother-in-law helped my husband and me out several times when we were getting started. The amounts were never grand, a few thousand dollars here or there, but at the time it made a huge difference for us. We were always insistent that we sign a Promissory Note to her acknowledging receipt of the money and briefly outlining the terms for borrowing. We would both sign it and leave it with her so that if anything happened it would be with her financial papers and could be factored into the closing out of her estate. I believe that it is one of the reasons that I had such a deep friendship with my mother-in-law. She always knew just where she stood with us in any financial dealings.

I mention this now because in the past weeks I've come across a number of people who are struggling with these kinds of money conversations, or more accurately, the outfall from not having held these kinds of money conversations.

As I edge towards retirement (and today retirement is feeling very far away as a possibility because I just completed delivering a fabulous Creativity workshop!) I know that my hubbie and I need to be having these conversations about how we'll engage with his children in the future. I feel comforted that we've already developed a model that works for us based on our relationship with his Mom ...and I know that we'll have to stay awake and create something that will be tailored to the future situations in which we find ourselves.

Have you ever thought about money in a broader context than saving enough and knowing what you need for your monthly living expenses? As you edge towards retirement now might be a good time to think through these bigger questions about money and what kinds of processes are likely to work for you.

Space. How much is enough? How much is too much? I'm talking here about actual physical space. I believe this is a similar conversation to the togetherness one. Having recently downsized, my husband and I have become more than aware of the space conversation. We are currently living in a home that is pretty much exactly half the size of the home we lived in for 16 years.

It is certainly large enough for our needs. We each have our own room plus our master bedroom. We are thrilled with our very open concept home and very much enjoy the new neighbourhood to which we've moved. However, we are aware of certain on-going pressures.

We sure don't have the closet space we used to and so we're having to confront our packrat tendencies. I never really believed I was a packrat until this downsizing invited me to notice not only how much stuff I'd held on to over the years, but how difficult it was to let a lot of it go. And Greg is even more committed to his stuff.

Sound is another challenge. Greg's room is an open loft above the living room and we are both very aware of a certain lack of privacy that generates. While I don't have any secrets, I am aware that I've had years of being able to yak with my friends by going into a room and closing the door. I find that I feel intrusive now because there are only my room upstairs and our master bedroom where we have doors that offer privacy. The much smaller floor space involved in this house also means that our voices carry much more readily than in the big house. Similar issues develop around TV watching, radio listening and playing music. None of which are big issues, but I'm noticing that over time it is like there is a pressure building for privacy.

Car jockeying is the third big challenge. Now that we have a single car garage someone is always running out to move one car out of the way. Fortunately that is usually Greg because he has decided that my car belongs in the garage and that he needs to be responsible for moving his vehicle. Not too bad during our short summer but it gets to be a royal pain once the cold sets in and the trek involves putting on boots, coat, gloves and hat when it is deeply below zero outside.

We've been here for 3 years now and are settling into a routine. But we are aware of the pressure points and know that we need to take action to make certain that on-going irritations don't erupt into big issues. I have recently rented an office outside my home and have become aware of how freeing it feels to have a place to go to that is all mine. It has gotten me to wondering what life will be like should we ever decide to fully retire and we were in one another's space 24/7.

Have you thought about your physical space needs? If you are downsizing or have downsized have you thought about how much privacy you require and whether your new location meets your needs in that way? Women in particular I think need to pay attention to this conversation and to ensure that their needs are met. I think that because we so often are in charge of much of our domestic life we frequently see the kitchen as our space without noticing that it is also a very public space. What becomes possible for us when we have an office or a room to retreat to as we need it? What creativity begins to flow when we can go somewhere and shut the door behind us, secure in the knowledge that we can putter, read, think, talk or play without interruption, attitude or opinion of anyone else? In what way does life become more meaningful for any of us when we reserve a space just for us and our interests?

Being willing to demand a space for ourSelf requires that we value ourSelf enough to think that we are worthy of that space. When we hold that we are worthy of something we are standing up and being counted in the world ...surely a key aspect to creating a meaningful life.

So how much space do you need? How does that compare to how much you give yourself permission to have? Who do you become as you edge towards retirement and continue to claim your right to your own space?

Space. How much is enough? How much is too much? I'm talking here about actual physical space. I believe this is a similar conversation to the togetherness one. Having recently downsized, my husband and I have become more than aware of the space conversation. We are currently living in a home that is pretty much exactly half the size of the home we lived in for 16 years.

It is certainly large enough for our needs. We each have our own room plus our master bedroom. We are thrilled with our very open concept home and very much enjoy the new neighbourhood to which we've moved. However, we are aware of certain on-going pressures.

We sure don't have the closet space we used to and so we're having to confront our packrat tendencies. I never really believed I was a packrat until this downsizing invited me to notice not only how much stuff I'd held on to over the years, but how difficult it was to let a lot of it go. And Greg is even more committed to his stuff.

Sound is another challenge. Greg's room is an open loft above the living room and we are both very aware of a certain lack of privacy that generates. While I don't have any secrets, I am aware that I've had years of being able to yak with my friends by going into a room and closing the door. I find that I feel intrusive now because there are only my room upstairs and our master bedroom where we have doors that offer privacy. The much smaller floor space involved in this house also means that our voices carry much more readily than in the big house. Similar issues develop around TV watching, radio listening and playing music. None of which are big issues, but I'm noticing that over time it is like there is a pressure building for privacy.

Car jockeying is the third big challenge. Now that we have a single car garage someone is always running out to move one car out of the way. Fortunately that is usually Greg because he has decided that my car belongs in the garage and that he needs to be responsible for moving his vehicle. Not too bad during our short summer but it gets to be a royal pain once the cold sets in and the trek involves putting on boots, coat, gloves and hat when it is deeply below zero outside.

We've been here for 3 years now and are settling into a routine. But we are aware of the pressure points and know that we need to take action to make certain that on-going irritations don't erupt into big issues. I have recently rented an office outside my home and have become aware of how freeing it feels to have a place to go to that is all mine. It has gotten me to wondering what life will be like should we ever decide to fully retire and we were in one another's space 24/7.

Have you thought about your physical space needs? If you are downsizing or have downsized have you thought about how much privacy you require and whether your new location meets your needs in that way? Women in particular I think need to pay attention to this conversation and to ensure that their needs are met. I think that because we so often are in charge of much of our domestic life we frequently see the kitchen as our space without noticing that it is also a very public space. What becomes possible for us when we have an office or a room to retreat to as we need it? What creativity begins to flow when we can go somewhere and shut the door behind us, secure in the knowledge that we can putter, read, think, talk or play without interruption, attitude or opinion of anyone else? In what way does life become more meaningful for any of us when we reserve a space just for us and our interests?

Being willing to demand a space for ourSelf requires that we value ourSelf enough to think that we are worthy of that space. When we hold that we are worthy of something we are standing up and being counted in the world ...surely a key aspect to creating a meaningful life.

So how much space do you need? How does that compare to how much you give yourself permission to have? Who do you become as you edge towards retirement and continue to claim your right to your own space?

Structure. All of our lives have a certain structure to them, although many of us are completely unaware of the structure of our lives. When was the last time you thought about it?

And why would you/should you? Because structure provides a sense of predictability and security. For many of us, work is the key to the structure of our lives. Think about it: five days each week we leave home early in the day, go to a place with a lot of routine activities in it, then return at a relatively set time each day. Two days a week we have to our personal life.

Even if you're like me and have constantly sought out work that isn't very routine, you can discover that there is still routine to it. It frames and shapes the flow of our lives. It gives us something to complain about when we are at odds with ourselves. For many, it becomes the window through which we fantasize about the more perfect future that awaits us, perhaps on some golden island or verdant golf course.

The sudden lack of structure that work has brought to their lives can be extremely jarring and if it isn't anticipated and planned for, can create the conditions ripe for the development of depression, anxiety or heightened crankiness. Think about it, you've spend 30, 40, 50 years living the 5 days away from home 2 days at home, getting up at 6 and going to bed at 11 routine. Your neural networks are well and truly habituated to this rhythm of living and poof, one day it is gone forever. Sure there is an initial exhilaration from it all, but slowly and surely the craving for habit begins to exert itself and you are left feeling out of sorts.

This is where 'meaning' and 'being' start to become important conversations. What have you created in your life that offers meaning on an on-going basis that will fill the space that the routine work used to fill? Who are you 'being' in life that provides a whole different structure to your daily life.

For sure there are no easy answers to either of these considerations, but I believe they are critical to living a long and successful life. Do you ever wonder why you are here on this earth? Do you have any clarity about your life's purpose? Do you know what difference you make by taking up space on planet earth? There is significant evidence that the people who live the longest and are the happiest are those who have taken the time to create an awareness about their relationship to these big questions.

It took me a long, long time to figure out but I know that my purpose in being here is to be an expression of irrepressible possibility. Say what? After reflecting on my life and all the hardships I've experienced, I began to realize that the essence of who I am has a cork-like quality to it ...I always bob to the surface and keep moving forward no matter what happens. And I find that each time I bob back to the surface I begin to notice new possibilities for living that weren't accessible to me previously. So I know that phrase speaks to what I have to offer the world. And I know that as I move through my days "being" an expression of irrepressible possibility I am not always welcomed or appreciated by those whose paths I cross. There are those (hard to believe, but true!) who find me irritatingly positive or who get downright pissed off because I don't accept that the world is a miserable, dog-eat-dog, every man for himself place. I'm totally OK with that response and keep right on moving past those folks, knowing that there are many, many others who are just about to give up and for whom my presence will be the invitation to reclaim their lives.

I think that one of the reasons I don't see myself 'retiring' for a very, very long time is that I like the structure that my work provides to my life. I have created a way of working that is easily adjustable to the amount of energy I feel I have at any given moment; one where I feel that I am in control of my life. I take on only as many coaching clients as feels fulfilling; I screen those I do work with carefully so that I know there is synergy between what we are seeking to create; I limit the frequency of the workshops I offer and only work with very small groups so that I can get to know people. I leave lots of room in my schedule for painting, visiting with friends, traveling back roads to find new vistas and painting locales, working in my garden or whatever else captures my fancy.

Have you thought about the structure conversation?

Togetherness. How much is enough? How much is too much? Togetherness is an issue that many couples struggle with throughout life and that surfaces as a big issue when they contemplate retirement.

In my experience what most people who have a big 'togetherness' conversation going don't notice and never get around to addressing is that togetherness is seldom about togetherness. It is usually based in much deeper issues and concerns such as trust and intimacy.

For many people, the need to have their life partner at their side most of the time stems from an inability to trust themselves. To trust that they are sufficiently interesting, dynamic people that they can create sustainable friendships with others. To trust that if they go off and 'play' with others that they will still have an interest in returning home. To trust that if they aren't in control of their partner's whereabouts at all time that person isn't being unfaithful to them.

Others have a challenge with intimacy. By that I mean a state of being where they can be authentically themselves with others. In our culture we tend to equate intimacy with sex and that simply isn't what it's about. Great sex only occurs when intimacy is present; it is a manifestation of intimacy. But intimacy is first about knowing and accepting Self and then about being willing to be vulnerable enough to allow someone else to truly see who we are.

Think about it ...when was the last time you really explored who you are and are capable of becoming? Because if you don't know that, you can never experience intimacy with another person. You'll try, try, try to get close to people and always feel like you are alone. No amount of time spent with another human being, regardless of how many years you've spent with that person, will ever fill your need and yearning for togetherness. You may even find that you drive one another crazy by being in one another's presence all the time and yet feel like you are still missing something.

I was listening to a radio conversation about a book review that dealt with friendship. Don't even know what the book was called because I missed the introduction of the show. But I did catch an interesting discussion of one chapter where the author explored the differences between men and women and the friendship conversation. They noted that in surveys, most men report that their wives/partners are their best friend, while most women report people other than their husband/partner as their best friend. I've been pondering that interesting factoid for a few days now and while I don't have an answer, here's where my musings have taken me.

Most men in our culture (especially of the baby boomer and earlier generations) learn early in life that a man's primary job is to be a 'do-er' of deeds. They interact with other men and share themselves with men based on what they get up to in life. Women, on the other hand, continue to be enculturated to be the maintainers of relationships and therefore relate to others, whether they be men or women, based on who they are 'be-ing' in the world. So men frequently find in a woman a place where they can safely 'be' themselves, whereas women can 'be' themselves with a wide variety of people.

Now I know that this is a broad generalization and there will be many who will not conform to this generalization. However, in my experience, it certainly seems to apply to a very great extent. I know that because of the nature of the work that I have chosen I have the opportunity to work with a lot of men who are interested in exploring their 'be-ingness' and who are much more comfortable than many revealing that aspect of themselves to others, whether they be men or women. But I do notice that when I interact with men who have not chosen to take a pathway that explores Self these generalizations seem starglingly accurate.

So back to the togetherness conversation. I think a critical series of conversations any couple needs to have as the kids leave home and as we begin to consider a full-time or part-time withdrawal from the world of work is togetherness. The degree of stress you can expect to experience in your interactions with one another if you ignore resolving this issue can be enormous and can have far reaching impact on the quality of your life. There is no right answer, there is only what the two of you conclude is right for you when you give yourself permission to be open and honest about your personal needs, interests and desires.

I was talking with a friend today about how much conflict there seems to be in the lives of many of her clients. She works a lot with people who have retired or are about to retire. Because she works in the financial services sector, she frequently gets to interact with people around a topic that often is a long-standing source of conflict: money.

Or at least on the surface their conflict gets played out around money. But I'm a big believer in the expression "it's never about what it's about". So if it isn't about money, what is all this conflict about? Well, to corrupt one of Will Shakespeare's immortal lines "Let me count the ways"!!

At it's most basic, conflict around money almost always comes back to being a conflict about power and authority. Interestingly, in my long experience of working with people, it often isn't even their own issues with power and authority. It is the conversation they saw their parents having about power and authority. Who was the boss? Who got an opinion and who got a vote? Who wasn't listened to? Who was listened to? If the paycheque wasn't in your name did you have any say? If so, how much and about what? Now when I say "conversation" I don't mean to imply that many of us or our parents ever actually sit down and talk about what money, power or authority mean to us. I mean the conversation that was presented to us through action, through wrangling and sometimes even outright fisticuffs, through deed more than spoken word.

When was the last time you thought about power and authority in your relationship with your significant other? How honest are you about how much you posture, play victim, bully or use silence to get your way ...and then claim to the world that you have no power?

The other thing about conflict in relationships that struck me when I was talking with my friend is just how much she dreads it coming up in her encounters with her clients. It has clearly not yet entered her awareness yet that conflict between people is a huge opening for creativity. I love and celebrate those moments when my clients become cranky, irritated, annoyed or downright abrasive with me or with their partner. Because I know that moments holds huge potential for a shift.