I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since Fred and I talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had midjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I made repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of puting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to 'having' to regularly be the messenger of such bad new to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying way to live, I discovered. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year, and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lucsciously on the horizon ...a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage. A picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituated to putting the true living of life on holid is that it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living life. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grandkids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for 'retirement' on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since we talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had misjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I said repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of putting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to the having to regularly be the messenger of such bad news to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying to live, I believe. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lusciously on the horizon a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage, a picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituate to putting the true living of life on hold, it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grand-kids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just had a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for retirement on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

Christmas is fast approaching. This is a holiday that I don't much celebrate except for some of the socializing that happens ...which means that I've been making an extra effort to connect with people, have coffee, catch up. And in the process of doing that catching up, I've become once more very aware of the great divide that seems to separate women and men: friendship.

Now maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I keep hearing from men how their wife is their best friend. And I keep hearing from woman that while they love their husband and have a friendship with him as well a marriage, his friendship isn't at the top of their list of friendships. For many, it doesn't even make the top 10 list of friendships!

I got talking with one woman in particular this week about this phenomena and we agreed that there is a whole generation of bommers out there who are heading for some very interesting "retirement" situations where the men have this fantasy of having their wives all to themselves in retirement and the women have this fantasy of having their friends to play with and their husbands to come home to at the end of a playful day!

It really has me curious about what the future holds in store for many marriages as retirement looms. My good buddy (and business collaborator) Mike and I are getting ready to launch a new weekend workshop called RetireMyth™ (www.ouicoach.com). One of the top 10 myths about retirement that participants will be able to explore will be "Your close relationship with your spouse/partner will sustain you in retirement". I am very much looking forward to this male/female friendship conversation coming up during those workshops and seeing what insights people gain for themselves when they begin to connect with the fact that all may not be what it seems to be on the surface.

I know that this is about to become a major adjustment factor for many couples as they move into retirement. I wonder how many women will quietly let go of their dream of spending quality time with their girlfriends and will devote themselves exclusively to their man, patiently awaiting the day when they are on their own (because we all know that it is much more likely for women to be left widowed than for men). I wonder how many couples will discover a whole new vibrancy to their marriages because the woman finds the courage within herself to claim her right and her need to maintain friendships outside her marriage. And I wonder how many men are going to find, possibly for the first time in their life, the joy that friendship can bring to their experience.

What I've become aware of as I write this posting is that in my own friendships with both women and men, I only have male friends who have frienships. I don't know many men, even amongst my coaching clients, who only have their wives as friends. Yet amongst my women friends, I have a number who are living with men who have no friends. Some of these men live the delusion that they have friends, but typically these are what I call 'fantasy friends' ...people they perhaps used to have vibrant friendships with but with whom they now stay in occasional contact with, usually via e-mail or the occasional card. In their day-to-day life these are men who don't meaningfully interact with any human being other than their wife. These are men who have reduced the horizon of relationship to only one other human being. Kind of sad when I stop and think about it. I'm glad for myself that I attract the other kind of men to myself, the kind of men who have learned that they have more to offer to a woman when they stay connected to other people.