Edging towards retirement

2006-12-21T06:27:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since Fred and I talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had midjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I made repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of puting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to 'having' to regularly be the messenger of such bad new to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying way to live, I discovered. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year, and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lucsciously on the horizon ...a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage. A picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituated to putting the true living of life on holid is that it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living life. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grandkids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for 'retirement' on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

2006-12-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since we talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had misjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I said repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of putting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to the having to regularly be the messenger of such bad news to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying to live, I believe. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lusciously on the horizon a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage, a picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituate to putting the true living of life on hold, it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grand-kids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just had a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for retirement on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

2006-12-17T06:17:00.000-08:00

Christmas is fast approaching. This is a holiday that I don't much celebrate except for some of the socializing that happens ...which means that I've been making an extra effort to connect with people, have coffee, catch up. And in the process of doing that catching up, I've become once more very aware of the great divide that seems to separate women and men: friendship.

Now maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I keep hearing from men how their wife is their best friend. And I keep hearing from woman that while they love their husband and have a friendship with him as well a marriage, his friendship isn't at the top of their list of friendships. For many, it doesn't even make the top 10 list of friendships!

I got talking with one woman in particular this week about this phenomena and we agreed that there is a whole generation of bommers out there who are heading for some very interesting "retirement" situations where the men have this fantasy of having their wives all to themselves in retirement and the women have this fantasy of having their friends to play with and their husbands to come home to at the end of a playful day!

It really has me curious about what the future holds in store for many marriages as retirement looms. My good buddy (and business collaborator) Mike and I are getting ready to launch a new weekend workshop called RetireMyth™ (www.ouicoach.com). One of the top 10 myths about retirement that participants will be able to explore will be "Your close relationship with your spouse/partner will sustain you in retirement". I am very much looking forward to this male/female friendship conversation coming up during those workshops and seeing what insights people gain for themselves when they begin to connect with the fact that all may not be what it seems to be on the surface.

I know that this is about to become a major adjustment factor for many couples as they move into retirement. I wonder how many women will quietly let go of their dream of spending quality time with their girlfriends and will devote themselves exclusively to their man, patiently awaiting the day when they are on their own (because we all know that it is much more likely for women to be left widowed than for men). I wonder how many couples will discover a whole new vibrancy to their marriages because the woman finds the courage within herself to claim her right and her need to maintain friendships outside her marriage. And I wonder how many men are going to find, possibly for the first time in their life, the joy that friendship can bring to their experience.

What I've become aware of as I write this posting is that in my own friendships with both women and men, I only have male friends who have frienships. I don't know many men, even amongst my coaching clients, who only have their wives as friends. Yet amongst my women friends, I have a number who are living with men who have no friends. Some of these men live the delusion that they have friends, but typically these are what I call 'fantasy friends' ...people they perhaps used to have vibrant friendships with but with whom they now stay in occasional contact with, usually via e-mail or the occasional card. In their day-to-day life these are men who don't meaningfully interact with any human being other than their wife. These are men who have reduced the horizon of relationship to only one other human being. Kind of sad when I stop and think about it. I'm glad for myself that I attract the other kind of men to myself, the kind of men who have learned that they have more to offer to a woman when they stay connected to other people.

2006-11-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since we talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had misjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I said repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of putting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to the having to regularly be the messenger of such bad news to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying to live, I believe. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lusciously on the horizon a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage, a picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituate to putting the true living of life on hold, it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grand-kids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just had a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for retirement on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

2006-11-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

Why wait? That's the question that keeps surfacing in the conversations my buddy Mike and I have been having as we work on developing our RetireMyth workshop. Not as in "why wait for retirement" but as in "why wait for retirement to get a life worth living?"

We are both struck by how many people we come across who are clear that they are merely putting in time until the clock runs down to the magic moment when retirement becomes their reward for decades of living a life of quiet desperation. They are full of dreams about how glorious retirement will be: all that time to do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Yet few of them ever stop to notice that unless they teach themselves to live meaningfully, it is unlikely that they'll be any more happy or contented in retirement than they are now. In fact, unless they invest some time, money and energy into learning how to live differently they increase the chances of not even making it to retirement age ...or at least getting there in full physical and mental health.

Because there is a growing body evidence that shows that people who live feeling like they have little control of their lives are the same people who develop chronic stress related diseases: heart conditions, cancer, depression, diabetes, neurological disorders. And people who don't keep themselves mentally stimulated are much more susceptible to dementia's of various types. Even people who keep themselves physically fit but don't attend to their underlying levels of anger and rage often succumb to sudden death from heart attack and stroke!

Not that I want to terrify you, but I keep being puzzled by the large numbers of people I encounter who want to live the fantasy that the future will be different without making any kind of change in how they live today. And anyone from AA will tell you that "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got". There isn't a magic formula here. I'm beginning to come to grips with the fact that my growing awareness of, and puzzlement by this paradoxical situation probably reflects my own inner conversations about being fit in old age. ...I keep seeing myself as a fit older person, yet I know I don't make much time in my life for fitness creating activities. So pardon me while I have a good chuckle at myself. If you agree to work on creating some meaning in your life, I'll work on getting my muscular and cardio fitness improved. Hey wait a minute, let me re-phrase that, I'll take responsibility for improving my fitness regardless of whether you choose to create a meaningful life for yourself because I know how committed I am to living long, living large and living healthily! How about you?

2006-11-20T06:18:00.000-08:00

Eccentricity. To me, eccentricity is about daring to be different. The first definition my dictionary has for the word is 'not having the same centre'. And while this definition has a geometrical application (they are talking about two circles) it struck me that it suits a human application just as well. It applies to those who know and accept that what drives them, what excites them, what makes life worth living is defined by them rather than by societal norms.

One of the truisms of our culture is that people tend to become more eccentric as they get older. And many of their friends, colleagues and relatives become increasingly concerned about their eccentricities: are they losing it? are they moving towards some sort of mental la-la land? are they in danger of becoming some sort of a threat to themselves or others?

I have always relished the ways in which I believe I am eccentric and have lived for years with well meaning advice from others about how much more 'successful' (i.e. make more money) I'd be if I 'toned down' or 'took the edge off' my idiosyncracies. So I was thrilled to read in Ernie Zelinski's excellent book How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free that there is a body of research that shows that:

"true eccentrics are much happier than the rest of the population. Moreover, they are healthier and tend to live much longer. ...True eccentrics are creative, curious, idealistic, intelligent, opinionated, and obsessed with some hobby. These non-conformists give themselves the freedom to be themselves, a luxury that most people in society haven't learned how to enjoy. Eccentricity allows them to pursue hobbies and lifestyles that are their passions. Freed from the need to conform, eccentrics aren't bothered by what others think about them. It follows that only those who can be eccentric can truly live. Thus, celebrate your eccentricity and you will be set free. Your self-development and movement towards self-actualization will be wondrous, mysterious, and fascinating."

I have long subscribed to the belief that one of the benefits women experience with aging is that we rediscover our individual essence and rejoice unabashedly in it as society's expectations of ourselves as sexual beings diminishes. For many of us, menopause ushers in a period of stepping into our eccentricies, into our unabashed power, into our creative potential! No wonder many of our husbands and children look at us strangely as we choose to set aside our willingness to conform to society's norms and begin to truly express the full dimensionality of who we are ...and that includes our willingness to say NO! ...to push back ...to claim space and time for ourselves. In many families the 'little woman' becomes someone only seen in brief flashes before.

I'm off now to discover more about the work of psychologist David Weeks and writer Jamie James who have been studying eccentrics for some time. Who knows, I just may help to inspire many of you to begin to let the 'real you' come out to play for the first time in decades!!

2006-11-16T06:26:00.000-08:00

The myths related to retirement are many. This was the theme of a short talk I made to my Business Breakfast Club networking group this morning. And as I went through a short list of some of the most prevalent ones there some knowing nods amongst those who had friends or family who'd retired ...but many eyebrows raised in surprise as this group comprised largely of baby boomers began to connect with the retirement myths they were living from.

Perhaps the one they had thought about least was the myth that retirement is an "event", when the reality is that retirement is a process. My friends and colleagues with whom I've been meeting weekly for a decade were stunned to realize that for many retirement will be thrust upon them, rather than be something they've anticipated or planned for. They were further surprised to learn that involuntary retirement happens to roughly twice as many Canadian women as men.

Why's that, they puzzled. Largely for two reasons was my response. Women populate many of the most volatile jobs in the Western economy. Positions in retail, customer services, admin: many of which are part-time and subject to higher rates of downsizing and layoffs than other sectors of the economy. Secondly, women are still considered to be the caretakers of relationships in our culture. When aging parents become ill or unable to take care of themselves, it is more likely for women to leave the workforce in order to provide the care they need.

They were also pretty shocked to discover that the average age at which women in Canada become widowed is 55. For many of these women, whatever retirement plans they had fly right out of the window as they face a life on their own instead of within a partnership, frequently in reduced financial situations.

On the up side they were pleased to discover that our pre-retirement obsession with having enough money for retirement doesn't impact our experience of retirement. Recent studies have shown that amongst people who are already retired, money is 4th on their list of what's important for a happy retirement: health, relationships and rewarding activities are all more important to the quality of life we experience in retirement than is money. So take heart all you folks who are worried that despite your best efforts you still don't have enough squirrelled away. If you focus on staying healthy, building and maintain satisfying relationships and develop activities that feel rewarding for you you can still have a great retirement experience.

I felt good as I wrapped up my little talk, knowing that I had left these folks with lots to think about. As I edge towards retirement I am constantly reminded of how much meaningful activity I create for myself and how many satisfying relationships I've invested in over the years. Perhaps that's why outright retirement continues to feel like something I have little interest in. My life doesn't feel like work but feels full, satisfying and adventurous. What a way to live!

How about you ...where's your life at in terms of your relationship quotient? Where are you in developing activities that leave you feeling fulfilled and gratified? If money has been your major focus, perhaps it's time to begin investing your energies a little differently. The rewards may be much more substantial in the long run.

2006-11-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

As I was leading my 'Retirement Reality' seminar a few days ago I was struck by the collective enthusiasm my audience of couples in their 50's and 60's had for the nature of the conversation. They were clearly thrilled (and in various moments somewhat terrified) as we talked about various aspects of the emotional and psychological shifts that occur and need to be addressed when retirement finally occurs.

One of the strongest responses that I noticed was to my suggestion that now was a good time for them to begin to think about renegotiating their relationship, to begin to notice that whatever agreements they'd come to in the past about how duties were shared, what their priorities were, how time was spent and the other myriad aspects of coupledom could benefit from a spring cleaning.

Think about it. As we age, our needs, interests, abilities and values tend to evolve and shift. And yet the vast majority of us remain stuck in habits of interacting that we established 20, 30, 40 and 50 years earlier. One woman in the seminar was clearly stunned to hear that part of my renegotiations involved my husband taking over most of the housework. I dust, shop and cook, he cleans, does laundry and dishes. Between the two of us we tidy. It works out great for us and is a very different arrangement than what we started with. And it represents the fact that we have been willing adjust as life has unfolded. By mutual agreement we don't entertain nearly as much as we did in our earlier years. We have both discovered that we are much happier only having close friends over and when we do it is typically one or two couples at a time. Gone are the grand dinner parties for 20 ...we began to notice that they were exhausting and socially unsatisfying in that we were so busy handling logistics for that many there was almost no time to interact with anyone in any meaningful way.

One of the things I've discovered from this process of renegotiating the terms and conditions of our marriage is that it means we each have to be awake to our own needs and interests. And we each have to hold ourselves accountable for the quality of our experience of our marriage. We can't any longer live out of habit, feeling vaguely dissatisfied and wishing the other person would notice our discomfort. Each of us must find the place inside where we claim our voice and speak it, identifying where our thinking is going and requesting the adjustments we need to feel like an active, satisfied part of this couple called Greg & Gwen.

And that, I think, is the toughest thing for most people to live with. It is so easy to live out of habit that many resent the time and effort it takes to keep their relationship alive and vibrant. When we are young and have our careers, our children and our active social lives to distract us we can set many of these issues aside and just keep running our habits. But whether you choose traditional retirement or opt for a modified version, when the kids leave, the career plateaus and you've acquired all the material things you were hell bent on acquiring ...slowly or suddenly we all come to a place where we look at our life partner and wonder "am I going to be able to continue to live with this person as I grow older?" I believe that unless and until you are willing to step into that place that often feels vulnerable and say "I'd like things to be different between us and for us" you can count on not much changing. And the choice is always yours!

2006-10-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

"How do you plan for retirement, beyond making sure you have enough money" someone asked me the other day. "All kinds of ways" was my initial response. Results from Statistics Canada surveys have shown that whatever your approach to retirement (like me considering 'non-retirement'; like some of my clients engaging 'un-retirement'; like many others considering traditional 'life is now one long weekend') you will be more likely to feel satisfied with your experience if you have done some advance planning.

So as I was on my recent short vacation at my beloved Oceanstone Inn near Peggy's Cove, Nova Scotia (www.oceanstone.ns.ca for those of you looking for Paradise on the North Atlantic) I found myself reflecting a lot on this notion of planning.

And I realized that for most people, planning only occurs at very low levels of thinking: where will I live? where will I travel to? what will I do with myself? how will I fill my days? how will I make ends meet? Few of us actively and mindfully cast our thinking higher to explore our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. And yet, in my experience of my own life and that of hundreds upon hundreds of clients over the years, I know that life only really starts to becoming interesting and exciting when we begin to consider those higher levels of thinking. Who am I in this world? What makes me tick? What brings me joy? If I were to think of my life as a fairy tale, which character am I being? In what ways do my beliefs about myself and the world limit what I hold as possible? What are my beliefs anyhow ...and what are the ones that I cling to because they were my parent's or my teacher's and they feel like burden to me?

And to go even higher ...who, even at this late stage of my life, could I become if I decided to let go of my hold on 'reality' being a certain way? who can I get to be if give myself permission to consider things that are totally new to me and I don't allow my fear of the unknown to keep me small and apparently safe?

And then even higher ...what brings meaning to my life such that if it weren't present I might just choose to check out? is there a sense of greater purpose about me and why I'm on this earth that I've been ignoring for some time that perhaps I need to begin to pay attention to and flesh out? what constitutes, deep inside of me, a feeling of being deeply connected to something outside myself (for many that will outside oneself will be thought of God, the Creator, humanity, etc.).

It is not unusual for people to feel a little foolish and vulnerable to even consider thinking about these higher levels of thinking. For most of us, they are the realm of priests, philosophers and mystics. And yet, they are the types of thinking that actually have the potential to revolutionize our life and what we hold as possible for ourselves.

So as I wandered the beaches of Oceanstone it became clearer to me that there is lots of evidence that planning your retirement at low levels of thinking will absolutely make a difference for you in terms of the quality of your experience of retirement. But if you are one of those people who is holding out for the second half of your life being way better, way more exciting and gratifying than the first half has been, it also became clear to me that raising your thinking to those higher levels is where the real planning must go on.

Easy for me to say, right. Absolutely. And only easy for me to say because I have chosen to invest myself in discovering how to raise my thinking to those higher levels. You can too, easily and inexpensively if you choose to move beyond the habituated way that you now live, if you choose to invest in books, CDs and workshops that focus on the inner landscape instead of continuing to spend your money on the latest fashions, new hairdo's, trips to exotic destinations that don't satisfy or gratify. In this the AA folks got it absolutely right ...if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you've always got!

So in planning your retirement you have choice like you have in everything else. Keep your thinking low level and you'll be guaranteed to have a retirement pretty much that is an extension of the life you've lived to date. Invest in getting outside the box of your own thinking and create a future that you quite possibly can't even anticipate at this stage but that some niggling little part of you senses is there. One good place to start getting outside the box of your own thinking is to visit my website www.ouicoach.com and read some of the free articles or go to my extensive Links section and check out some of the great service providers gathered there. I especially encourage you to explore those folks who have learned to work with a WEL-Systems perspective in the services they offer. As someone who has done a lot of personal growth and development work, for me, this is the easiest, most elegant, supportive and most expansive approach to becoming more that I've ever found. I wonder what you'll choose for yourself ????

2006-10-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if you'll ever get over your bad habits? Which are the ones that concern you about taking with you into retirement, or at least into old age if you're one of us who have decided that you aren't retiring? And why is that even important you may well ask. Because there is lots and lots of clear evidence that unless we take some specific action, we don't change all that much as we age.

The bad habits we have in youth and middle age move forward with us as we get older, familiar companions that comfort us in some strange way even as they drive us crazy. What are yours? Are you a spendthrift? Do you eat too much? Exercise to little? Have affairs? Flirt? Are you miserly? Do you struggle to enjoy yourself? Are you an unhappy person in your heart and soul?

I remember having a conversation with a potential coaching client some time ago. This person was having a fair bit of difficulty in his interpersonal relationships but wasn't convinced that coaching would make a difference for him. Like many of us, he had a host of reasons and justifications for why he was having so much difficulty in his life. And almost all of his reasons and justifications had to do with things outside of himself. He was too busy to meet everyone else's needs, he had had a difficult early life and hadn't really learned how to be 'politically correct', he had a commitment to being brutally honest with himself and everyone else, etc., etc. As we talked he revealed that he was looking forward to his retirement which was about 10 years away. His concerns about investing in coaching were that he might waste all this time and money because once he was retired he just knew that none of this was going to be an issue for him because when he retired he just knew that he'd have enough time and money to correct all the issues he currently faced. As he put it, he'd finally be able to be happy!

After I stopped laughing we had an interesting chat about how it was highly unlikely that his experience of retirement was going to be any different than his experience was right now, unless and until he chose to commit himself to a course of action that would create some internal differences in his way of thinking about himself and the world around him. We change very little in our beliefs, values and attitudes because our external circumstances change. Typically, we need to decide that we are going change and then create some sort of intervention that will invite us to change.

I say typically because there is always the possibility that some highly potent, external thing will happen that will be the invitation for us to see the world and ourselves differently. The death of a cherised person or pet can sometimes do that, a near death experience, a major loss or accident can also be triggers. But most of the time, for most of us, unless we decide to discover a new way to see the world, we just keep on recreating variations on the same old theme, over and over again. Think about it. How many people go bankrupt multiple times in their lives? Do they set out to keep creating that experience? I don't think so. But for many, simply getting out from under the crushing debt load isn't sufficient motivation to make the kind of changes necessary to not go bankrupt again. How about all those people who marry multiple times? Who move from one lousy job to another over the decades?

They are all repeating certain habits of thinking that keep recreating the same general scenarios. And unless and until they find some sort of way to break the habits, life will continue along that path ...yes, all the way to the grave. Given that our baby boomer generation is one that isn't inclined to live out our habits and patterns in quiet, I'm wondering what kind of colorfully desperate retirements we're about to create for ourselves? I can just see many of us at 75 getting married or declaring bankruptcy for the 6th, 7th or 8th time!

So I encourage you to begin to pay attention to what you hold as your bad habits and begin to wonder how long you are going to allow them to interfere with you having the kind of life you long for? Now is a time in our history when we have almost unlimited access to books and processes that allow us to change whatever we don't like or believe isn't working about our lives. Why wait any longer? Wouldn't it be great to use the years you're edging towards retirement to actually set yourself up so that you can enjoy it once it arrives? Anyone want to come for a walk with me?

2006-10-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

"So this is what retirement might feel like", I found my self thinking. You see, we went away for a long overdue R & R weekend. And we were surrounded by couples who were clearly either retired or were on the verge, based on the conversations we heard around us.

And as much as I enjoyed our time away, as much as I revelled in the luxury of a high end B & B, great dining, wonderful vistas everywhere we turned, I also knew that it felt special because it was a respite within the broader canvas of a life that includes meaningful work.

Now that I am back in my office writing this blog, considering an article that is beginning to take shape and form, getting prepared for a coaching session this afternoon, I find myself wondering what that weekend would have felt like for me if I knew that it was merely a different setting for a life that was a form of 'endless weekend'. How much of it's sense of specialness, of time suspended for a few moments, of luxurious indulgence had to do with the actual experience itself and how much of it had to do with it being juxtaposed against a life that includes lots of demands on my time, lots of deadlines and appointments to be met, lots of need to use my intellect rather than simply luxuriating in my body.

For certain there are no answers, merely questions for me continue to ponder. And from where I sit this morning, I am inclined towards the view that this weekend has highlighted for me the desire to redefine the later years of life not as retirement and working but as some sort of hybrid of the two. A period in one's life where work assumes a different characteristic: it becomes much more like play you get paid for and so your desire to 'retire' from the process of work is diminished because it is such an engaging and enliving process to remain involved with.

Perhaps the question to explore is less about 'retirement' and more about a shifting attitude towards work. Hmmm, that'll give me something to wonder about in the coming days!

The photo I've used for today's posting is one I took over the weekend. For me the metaphor of the netting over the ripening grapes is a great one for today's topic. It speaks to the purpose of play/work as that thing that protects us from coming to a premature end ...there is lots of growing into ourselves that is still possible. Will be use a device such as play/work to create the opportunity for that final spurt of growth and maturation, or will be simply allow ourselves to hang on the vine and be picked to death by the birds?

2006-09-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

I encountered yet another couple this week who are discovering that retirement isn't turning out to be anything like they thought it would be. They are youngish retirees in their early 60's who had really looked forward to the experience. They are financially comfortable, have good relationships with their children, hobbies and friends.

But he's finding that he just can't sleep at night. Nothing specific seems to be wrong, just this restlessness, this undefinable sense that he can't settle, that there is something missing. And I'm curious about what kind of deep inner conversations he's having with himself about who he is anymore now that work no longer defines him. This undefinable but clearly present state of restlessness occurs for many people, men in particular, when their identity as worker is no longer present and a new identity has not yet been created.

And here's the really sad thing about it. He's not willing or ready yet to do something about it other than complain! So all the possible interventions that could help to make a difference for him are unavailable to him. Sad really. Makes me think of someone drowning with willing lifeguards all around but the drowning person won't let them touch him! My hope for him at this stage is that he doesn't make a visit to his family doctor and become diagnosed as "depressed" and saddled with a prescription for something and a warning that he'll have to take this for the rest of his life.

I think that one of the saddest things that happens as we age is that medications are used to 'manage' symptoms with very little effort being put into exploring the root causes of the symptoms. The medical literature on aging is scary to read when you consider how over medicated we can quickly become. How quickly we can begin to walk down that slippery slope too. This man I mentioned earlier is displaying many of the signs of someone who is heading in that direction. And yet I hold out hope that now that he knows there are non-medical options available to him that he may consider them. I suspect that it won't be an easy choice for him. Less easy than if he were a woman. Another generalization coming here ...but in my experience men have a much more difficult time being willing to explore their emotional or psychic pain than women are. Here is one place in our life that we women have a cultural advantage. We've been raised to believe that it's okay not only to have the emotions, but it is okay to seek help for resolving our emotional pain. We can much more easily give ourselves permission to talk about what is troubling us, to let others see the pain we are experiencing.

People keep asking me why I do the work I do. This couple, especially the man, are the reason I do this. I am very tired of meeting and hearing about people who by rights should be heading into a wonderful period of their lives. The pressure of raising kids, building a marriage and developing a career pretty much behind them. And yet so often that step into retirement is a step into discomfort and pain. I am committed to doing whatever I can to helping a few people regain life as a positive experience. Now that brings meaning to my life!

By the way, some folks have been asking about the photos in my blog. They are either photos of my garden, my art or interesting places I've visited. I hope you enjoy them.

2006-09-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

Getting stiff. I've noticed as I've aged that my body has begun to stiffen up. My joints are slow to respond, especially early in the day. I've begun to recognize that regular stretching is important to keeping the physical plant well oiled. Gosh, remember the days when 'well oiled' meant getting drunk! Now it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

And that has gotten me thinking, as I edge ever so slowly towards that thing called retirement, that if my body is a metaphor for me life, I wonder where I'm stiffening up in ways that aren't perhaps so obvious to me? Where am I becoming rigid in my outlook and beliefs where I used to be flexible? What are the implications for this stiffening up?

As I look around I see so many people experiencing all kinds of life issues because they have become stiff and inflexible and that makes life a lot more difficult to live. What used to be useful guidelines for living successfully have, over time, become barriers and boundaries that lock us in to ways of living that are robbing us of flexibility and vitality.

I think of some of the older single women I know who are dreading retirement because of the social isolation they know will accompany it. For many, work has become their only social outlet and when that's gone, they have no idea what they'll do. I've suggested to some of them that they consider some sort of co-housing arrangement with other single women. And the typical response is "I couldn't do that. Someone else would be mucking around with my stuff then." I always chuckle to think that having control of the placement of one's stuff has become more important to many than having the warmth and support of another human being's presence in their lives.

And this rigidity isn't restricted to single women. Many men I know fuss over how the lawn needs to be mowed exactly so. How the garbage must be stored in a special way and piled at the curb exactly the same way each week. How the tools must be lined up in the garage, etc., etc. I can relate to all of these because I have my rules about linen closets, in particular, but about any closet or drawer organization.

And I'm paying more attention to how what I fondly think of as my "quirks" can actually become my life's straightjacket if I'm not staying awake.

I noticed a while back that I wasn't making as many friends as I used to. And I noticed that what had crept into my life when I wasn't looking were a whole pile of presumptions about what other people needed to demonstrate in order to qualify as friends. I was startled by how rigid I had become and it certainly helped to explain some things. Since that moment of realization, I've paid more attention to the thoughts running through my head as I go about my life and interact with others. I make a point of remaining awake to the judgements I have about others when I meet them and I challenge myself regularly about whether that judgement is really serving me or is just some rule left over from an earlier phase of my life.

Since I began that practice I've noticed that I once again am moving through life feeling like I'm blessed to have an ever increasing circle of people I care about and who care about me. I feel good about that because I know that maintaining meaningful social networks is one key to successful aging.

My friend Mike and I were talking about money and retirement a while back. We were both struck by how much of the literature on retirement and aging that we were reading stressed the link between money and quality of life. And we chatted about how many older people we each knew who had very little money but lived a great quality of life in spite of it. We began to realize that financial wealth wasn't the only thing that was important, despite what most of the literature has to say. Social wealth was also a critical factor to quality of life.

So today my thoughts are exploring the many ways in which we can limit our access to social wealth in retirement for several reasons: in leaving the workforce we leave behind not only many types of daily social interactions, but in many cases we lose access to the potential to continue to experience those interactions. We frequently become set in our ways, we literally 'stiffen up', in terms of who we invite into our world which limits the depth and breadth of people we interact with and our social circle begins to shrink. We become comfortable with a small circle of people who are very like us in their outlook and beliefs and become less tolerant of divergent views as our thinking isn't challenged very often by the sameness of those we invite into our lives.

And it doesn't have to be that way. How willing are you to be in staying awake as you age? How much of yourself are you willing to invest today into remaining supple and flexible in your thinking so that you continue to create social wealth long into the future. Your well being and longevity could be resting on it! I know that writing this posting has been a good reminder to me to stay on top of this particular conversation.

2006-09-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that in my web research about retirement I've been struck by how much material out there is about money. And it is about a specific aspect of money: saving enough. One could even say it is really more about supporting the lifestyles of members of the financial planning community than anything else!

However, what is talked about almost as little as the quality of life issues associated with retirement are the quirky money situations that can arise around retirement. Let me give you some examples:

If you choose to live with your adult children, how do you deal with the money issues? Are you investing capital in the purchase of a home that will support you all? If so, what honest, open conversations are you having about what happens long term. What happens to your investment when you eventually either die or need to move into some sort of care facility? If you have other children, how are their financial interests taken care of long term? If your children become insolvent or otherwise lose their ability to meet their financial obligations where does that leave you?

In my experience there is a lot of bullying, pressure and outright abuse that goes on in these kinds of situations that nobody is willing to talk about or address.

If you aren't investing capital but are living with adult children, what conversations are you having with them about who makes the decisions about financial priorities, the type and quantity of food, decor, and entertainment that is possible and acceptable. What about privacy issues? Whose standards of tidyness and cleanliness will be adhered to? What kind of complaint or problem resolution process will you put in place?

Then there are the loans that are not at all unusual amongst families. Who gets to know about them? How do you deal with quibbling amongst siblings? How do you protect your long-term financial intersts? Consider that you loan a child a significant amount of money to buy a house, start a business or pay off debts. You are still working and retirement is several years away and you are more than happy to help your children out. But what happens if life suddenly changes for you and your health starts to suffer and you need that money back. Is it gone forever? What arrangements have you put in place and what agreements do you have about repayment?

I remember that my mother-in-law helped my husband and me out several times when we were getting started. The amounts were never grand, a few thousand dollars here or there, but at the time it made a huge difference for us. We were always insistent that we sign a Promissory Note to her acknowledging receipt of the money and briefly outlining the terms for borrowing. We would both sign it and leave it with her so that if anything happened it would be with her financial papers and could be factored into the closing out of her estate. I believe that it is one of the reasons that I had such a deep friendship with my mother-in-law. She always knew just where she stood with us in any financial dealings.

I mention this now because in the past weeks I've come across a number of people who are struggling with these kinds of money conversations, or more accurately, the outfall from not having held these kinds of money conversations.

As I edge towards retirement (and today retirement is feeling very far away as a possibility because I just completed delivering a fabulous Creativity workshop!) I know that my hubbie and I need to be having these conversations about how we'll engage with his children in the future. I feel comforted that we've already developed a model that works for us based on our relationship with his Mom ...and I know that we'll have to stay awake and create something that will be tailored to the future situations in which we find ourselves.

Have you ever thought about money in a broader context than saving enough and knowing what you need for your monthly living expenses? As you edge towards retirement now might be a good time to think through these bigger questions about money and what kinds of processes are likely to work for you.

2006-09-12T06:24:00.001-07:00

Space. How much is enough? How much is too much? I'm talking here about actual physical space. I believe this is a similar conversation to the togetherness one. Having recently downsized, my husband and I have become more than aware of the space conversation. We are currently living in a home that is pretty much exactly half the size of the home we lived in for 16 years.

It is certainly large enough for our needs. We each have our own room plus our master bedroom. We are thrilled with our very open concept home and very much enjoy the new neighbourhood to which we've moved. However, we are aware of certain on-going pressures.

We sure don't have the closet space we used to and so we're having to confront our packrat tendencies. I never really believed I was a packrat until this downsizing invited me to notice not only how much stuff I'd held on to over the years, but how difficult it was to let a lot of it go. And Greg is even more committed to his stuff.

Sound is another challenge. Greg's room is an open loft above the living room and we are both very aware of a certain lack of privacy that generates. While I don't have any secrets, I am aware that I've had years of being able to yak with my friends by going into a room and closing the door. I find that I feel intrusive now because there are only my room upstairs and our master bedroom where we have doors that offer privacy. The much smaller floor space involved in this house also means that our voices carry much more readily than in the big house. Similar issues develop around TV watching, radio listening and playing music. None of which are big issues, but I'm noticing that over time it is like there is a pressure building for privacy.

Car jockeying is the third big challenge. Now that we have a single car garage someone is always running out to move one car out of the way. Fortunately that is usually Greg because he has decided that my car belongs in the garage and that he needs to be responsible for moving his vehicle. Not too bad during our short summer but it gets to be a royal pain once the cold sets in and the trek involves putting on boots, coat, gloves and hat when it is deeply below zero outside.

We've been here for 3 years now and are settling into a routine. But we are aware of the pressure points and know that we need to take action to make certain that on-going irritations don't erupt into big issues. I have recently rented an office outside my home and have become aware of how freeing it feels to have a place to go to that is all mine. It has gotten me to wondering what life will be like should we ever decide to fully retire and we were in one another's space 24/7.

Have you thought about your physical space needs? If you are downsizing or have downsized have you thought about how much privacy you require and whether your new location meets your needs in that way? Women in particular I think need to pay attention to this conversation and to ensure that their needs are met. I think that because we so often are in charge of much of our domestic life we frequently see the kitchen as our space without noticing that it is also a very public space. What becomes possible for us when we have an office or a room to retreat to as we need it? What creativity begins to flow when we can go somewhere and shut the door behind us, secure in the knowledge that we can putter, read, think, talk or play without interruption, attitude or opinion of anyone else? In what way does life become more meaningful for any of us when we reserve a space just for us and our interests?

Being willing to demand a space for ourSelf requires that we value ourSelf enough to think that we are worthy of that space. When we hold that we are worthy of something we are standing up and being counted in the world ...surely a key aspect to creating a meaningful life.

So how much space do you need? How does that compare to how much you give yourself permission to have? Who do you become as you edge towards retirement and continue to claim your right to your own space?

2006-09-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

2006-09-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

Structure. All of our lives have a certain structure to them, although many of us are completely unaware of the structure of our lives. When was the last time you thought about it?

And why would you/should you? Because structure provides a sense of predictability and security. For many of us, work is the key to the structure of our lives. Think about it: five days each week we leave home early in the day, go to a place with a lot of routine activities in it, then return at a relatively set time each day. Two days a week we have to our personal life.

Even if you're like me and have constantly sought out work that isn't very routine, you can discover that there is still routine to it. It frames and shapes the flow of our lives. It gives us something to complain about when we are at odds with ourselves. For many, it becomes the window through which we fantasize about the more perfect future that awaits us, perhaps on some golden island or verdant golf course.

The sudden lack of structure that work has brought to their lives can be extremely jarring and if it isn't anticipated and planned for, can create the conditions ripe for the development of depression, anxiety or heightened crankiness. Think about it, you've spend 30, 40, 50 years living the 5 days away from home 2 days at home, getting up at 6 and going to bed at 11 routine. Your neural networks are well and truly habituated to this rhythm of living and poof, one day it is gone forever. Sure there is an initial exhilaration from it all, but slowly and surely the craving for habit begins to exert itself and you are left feeling out of sorts.

This is where 'meaning' and 'being' start to become important conversations. What have you created in your life that offers meaning on an on-going basis that will fill the space that the routine work used to fill? Who are you 'being' in life that provides a whole different structure to your daily life.

For sure there are no easy answers to either of these considerations, but I believe they are critical to living a long and successful life. Do you ever wonder why you are here on this earth? Do you have any clarity about your life's purpose? Do you know what difference you make by taking up space on planet earth? There is significant evidence that the people who live the longest and are the happiest are those who have taken the time to create an awareness about their relationship to these big questions.

It took me a long, long time to figure out but I know that my purpose in being here is to be an expression of irrepressible possibility. Say what? After reflecting on my life and all the hardships I've experienced, I began to realize that the essence of who I am has a cork-like quality to it ...I always bob to the surface and keep moving forward no matter what happens. And I find that each time I bob back to the surface I begin to notice new possibilities for living that weren't accessible to me previously. So I know that phrase speaks to what I have to offer the world. And I know that as I move through my days "being" an expression of irrepressible possibility I am not always welcomed or appreciated by those whose paths I cross. There are those (hard to believe, but true!) who find me irritatingly positive or who get downright pissed off because I don't accept that the world is a miserable, dog-eat-dog, every man for himself place. I'm totally OK with that response and keep right on moving past those folks, knowing that there are many, many others who are just about to give up and for whom my presence will be the invitation to reclaim their lives.

I think that one of the reasons I don't see myself 'retiring' for a very, very long time is that I like the structure that my work provides to my life. I have created a way of working that is easily adjustable to the amount of energy I feel I have at any given moment; one where I feel that I am in control of my life. I take on only as many coaching clients as feels fulfilling; I screen those I do work with carefully so that I know there is synergy between what we are seeking to create; I limit the frequency of the workshops I offer and only work with very small groups so that I can get to know people. I leave lots of room in my schedule for painting, visiting with friends, traveling back roads to find new vistas and painting locales, working in my garden or whatever else captures my fancy.

Have you thought about the structure conversation?

2006-09-08T05:52:00.000-07:00

Togetherness. How much is enough? How much is too much? Togetherness is an issue that many couples struggle with throughout life and that surfaces as a big issue when they contemplate retirement.

In my experience what most people who have a big 'togetherness' conversation going don't notice and never get around to addressing is that togetherness is seldom about togetherness. It is usually based in much deeper issues and concerns such as trust and intimacy.

For many people, the need to have their life partner at their side most of the time stems from an inability to trust themselves. To trust that they are sufficiently interesting, dynamic people that they can create sustainable friendships with others. To trust that if they go off and 'play' with others that they will still have an interest in returning home. To trust that if they aren't in control of their partner's whereabouts at all time that person isn't being unfaithful to them.

Others have a challenge with intimacy. By that I mean a state of being where they can be authentically themselves with others. In our culture we tend to equate intimacy with sex and that simply isn't what it's about. Great sex only occurs when intimacy is present; it is a manifestation of intimacy. But intimacy is first about knowing and accepting Self and then about being willing to be vulnerable enough to allow someone else to truly see who we are.

Think about it ...when was the last time you really explored who you are and are capable of becoming? Because if you don't know that, you can never experience intimacy with another person. You'll try, try, try to get close to people and always feel like you are alone. No amount of time spent with another human being, regardless of how many years you've spent with that person, will ever fill your need and yearning for togetherness. You may even find that you drive one another crazy by being in one another's presence all the time and yet feel like you are still missing something.

I was listening to a radio conversation about a book review that dealt with friendship. Don't even know what the book was called because I missed the introduction of the show. But I did catch an interesting discussion of one chapter where the author explored the differences between men and women and the friendship conversation. They noted that in surveys, most men report that their wives/partners are their best friend, while most women report people other than their husband/partner as their best friend. I've been pondering that interesting factoid for a few days now and while I don't have an answer, here's where my musings have taken me.

Most men in our culture (especially of the baby boomer and earlier generations) learn early in life that a man's primary job is to be a 'do-er' of deeds. They interact with other men and share themselves with men based on what they get up to in life. Women, on the other hand, continue to be enculturated to be the maintainers of relationships and therefore relate to others, whether they be men or women, based on who they are 'be-ing' in the world. So men frequently find in a woman a place where they can safely 'be' themselves, whereas women can 'be' themselves with a wide variety of people.

Now I know that this is a broad generalization and there will be many who will not conform to this generalization. However, in my experience, it certainly seems to apply to a very great extent. I know that because of the nature of the work that I have chosen I have the opportunity to work with a lot of men who are interested in exploring their 'be-ingness' and who are much more comfortable than many revealing that aspect of themselves to others, whether they be men or women. But I do notice that when I interact with men who have not chosen to take a pathway that explores Self these generalizations seem starglingly accurate.

So back to the togetherness conversation. I think a critical series of conversations any couple needs to have as the kids leave home and as we begin to consider a full-time or part-time withdrawal from the world of work is togetherness. The degree of stress you can expect to experience in your interactions with one another if you ignore resolving this issue can be enormous and can have far reaching impact on the quality of your life. There is no right answer, there is only what the two of you conclude is right for you when you give yourself permission to be open and honest about your personal needs, interests and desires.

2006-09-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend today about how much conflict there seems to be in the lives of many of her clients. She works a lot with people who have retired or are about to retire. Because she works in the financial services sector, she frequently gets to interact with people around a topic that often is a long-standing source of conflict: money.

Or at least on the surface their conflict gets played out around money. But I'm a big believer in the expression "it's never about what it's about". So if it isn't about money, what is all this conflict about? Well, to corrupt one of Will Shakespeare's immortal lines "Let me count the ways"!!

At it's most basic, conflict around money almost always comes back to being a conflict about power and authority. Interestingly, in my long experience of working with people, it often isn't even their own issues with power and authority. It is the conversation they saw their parents having about power and authority. Who was the boss? Who got an opinion and who got a vote? Who wasn't listened to? Who was listened to? If the paycheque wasn't in your name did you have any say? If so, how much and about what? Now when I say "conversation" I don't mean to imply that many of us or our parents ever actually sit down and talk about what money, power or authority mean to us. I mean the conversation that was presented to us through action, through wrangling and sometimes even outright fisticuffs, through deed more than spoken word.

When was the last time you thought about power and authority in your relationship with your significant other? How honest are you about how much you posture, play victim, bully or use silence to get your way ...and then claim to the world that you have no power?

The other thing about conflict in relationships that struck me when I was talking with my friend is just how much she dreads it coming up in her encounters with her clients. It has clearly not yet entered her awareness yet that conflict between people is a huge opening for creativity. I love and celebrate those moments when my clients become cranky, irritated, annoyed or downright abrasive with me or with their partner. Because I know that moments holds huge potential for a shift.

2006-08-31T13:43:00.000-07:00

I met an acquaintance while I was out shopping today. Her husband retired about 8 years ago and she followed some 5 years ago. They are about 15 years older than I am and have lived a very different life than most of us baby boomers, having been born before the Second World War and when their parents were still dealing with the Great Depression. They are a very lively, involved pair of people with an active social life and great rapport with their children and grandchildren.

It was wonderful to reconnect with this warm, wise woman. And it reminded me that there seems to be a "phase in" to retirement. Let's call the phases 'getting used to a new life', 'in full swing' and 'coasting to the finish'. This couple seems to be in the process of shifting from the 'getting used to a new life' phase to the 'in full swing' phase.

'Getting used to a new life' is that phase of life immediately after the day that full-time work ceases, where people are actively adjusting to a radically new life. For some people this phase includes part-time, contract or occasional bouts of paid work. For me these folks have a different adjustment path than those of us who don't consider ourselves retired and continue working, but possibly work a little less as the years pass.

For those who 'retire' there is a definite period of getting used to a new life. I've talked in other postings about some of those adjustments: what activities and pursuits are going to occupy our time and do they satisfy and gratify our need for meaning in our life? how much is too much/not enough together time? who's needs and wants take priority? when is it time to downsize and what are its implications? etc., etc., etc. I don't think I can emphasize enough what a challenge it can be to deal with the many issues and challenges that arise during this 'getting used to a new life' period.

But sooner or later what was new begins to become routine. In my experience and from the research I've done into retirement trends, somewhere between years 5 and 8 of retirement, couples begin to shift into the 'in full swing' phase of retirement. An equilibrium in the relationship has been re-established (for better or for worse!), new patterns have been established (again for better or for worse), and couples begin to experience a 'settling into' a life and lifestyle that no longer has the sharp edges, regular new discoveries and periods of active negotiation that characterized the 'getting used to a new life' stage. This stage, of course, only really occurs for a couple when both parties survive the first stage of retirement. For some 15-20% of retired couples they'll never make it to this phase as an active couple. For some, one partner will have died from the biggies like heart attack, stroke, cancer or accident. For others, one partner will have become severely disabled from one of the above or from other diseases such as Parkinson's, Alzheimers, other dementias or who knows what else. It's a sad fact, but the much anticipated retirement isn't a fun time for us all. There are many people who will go through two stages of 'getting used to a new life': one as a couple adjusting to retirement, the second as an individual adjusting to life without a partner.

But for those of us who create a life where we move on with our partner, the 'in full swing' phase of retirement can be an extremely satisfying and enjoyable period of our lives. My acquaintance and her husband seem to have moved into this phase very successfully. They have created a rhythm for living that works for them both. He has his time, friends and activities; she has hers; and then they have their shared ones. They live in a community with lots of other retired folks and have a 'signaling' system of placing a sign out in the yard on days that they would welcome visitors and have worked out a pot luck process so that the costs are shared yet a sense of connection and community is created.

The 'in full swing' period of retirement can go on for a very extended period of time, as long as health and interests are sustained. But eventually we'll all end up in the 'coasting to the finish' phase. Right now that isn't a phase of retirement that attracts my interest a whole lot so I don't have a lot to say about it. And given my earlier posting about how our beliefs and thoughts create our reality, I think it may well be a phase of retirement that no one knows much about. It could be that our baby boom generation is about to re-write the book on this phase of life. ...stay tuned!

I find that I'm very drawn to people in the 'getting used to a new life' phase because, for me, it feels like a highly potent, creative period of people's lives. Many aspects of their lives are up for grabs in terms of considering new possibilities. Much of what they have held as boundaries, edges beyond which they shouldn't stray or limitations they carry are open to reconsideration. Renewal, reawakening and rejuvenation is palpably present in their thoughts. They are, for me, very exciting people to work with and I get to discover so much about myself in the process. It is great to be present to people's discovery that now is the time of their life when they can give themselves permission to become Self-ish and to journey with them as they go boldly where they have never gone before!

2006-08-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

There was a 2-page spread in my local newspaper the other day about epigenetics. That's a newish branch of science that acknowledges that the DNA conversation isn't quite as cut and dried as many would have us believe. While DNA may encode many traits and diseases, we now know that there are things such as perception that act upon DNA to activate it or even to change its coding. Cool, eh? Having been a fan of Dr. Bruce Lipton's work for some time, I became aware earlier than many that the human body didn't operate quite so much like a machine as many scientists and doctors would like. Because we carry a gene for something doesn't mean that we are doomed for it to become active. It appears that our beliefs about our world are powerful mitigators in a complex process that determines what gets activated and what remains dormant. For me, this kind of article in the popular press is always exciting because it tells me that new discoveries, new thinking is not only possible, but that even though it takes longer than I'd like to impact the world, it still happens.

So what does this have to do with retirement you ask? Well, for me, it speaks to the fact that our perceptions about the world around us have a direct impact on our physical health. And let's face it, whether you are edging towards retirement like me, are boldly stepping into it, or are still trying to decide, health is an ever present conversation connected to aging ...for our generation, at least.

It may well be that for our children and grandchildren the conversation will change dramatically as the implications of epigenetics are explored. How much of the decrepitude that we presume is a fact of aging is a fact only because we presume it to be? Are we really genetically encoded to physically go to hell in a handbasket as we age? Or is it that way because we think it is that way?

The link between our habits of thought, our deeply held beliefs and our physical 'reality' is one that has fascinated me for a long, long time. My coaching and workshops are an exploration of these topics and the creativity work I do with clients shows me time and time again just how powerful the link is. So I am wondering a lot these days about what the future is going to look like for us boomers because we think differently.

Already we are experiencing some of that change in the "60 is the new 40" phenomena. Mind you, I sometimes wonder how much botox is keeping that boat afloat! However, I look around at many of my friends and see so many alive, vibrant, creative, lively people who don't look or act their chronological age. (I also see lots of people significantly younger who look old and used up before their time and who seem to have very negative outlooks on life.) Even those who, like me, aren't fitness freaks and who choose to let the gray show seem able to move through the world with an energy and optimism that I don't remember being present for my parents or their friends when they were the same age.

I believe that this new 'think young' approach many of us have is going to serve us well as we add more calendar years. And here's what I think is the challenge for many people: 'retirement' for many signifies slowing down, moving away from too much involvement, etc. When that is our attitude, I don't think that ill health and decline are very far away. And the stats are there to back it up ...death rates are high in the first few years after retirement, and it appears that they are higher amongst those who have created the fewest meaningful plans for themselves. A real 'use it or lose it' scenario.

Dr. James Nininger, a former CEO of the Conference Board of Canada argues that we need to 'get a life while you're working' based on his study of retirement. He found that an active and varied life outside work helps people make a smooth transition into retirement. And StatsCan has lots of data linking our investment in preparing for retirement to the quality of our experience of retirement. Surely concrete evidence of a link between our thinking and the outcomes we experience.

So back to epigenetics ...I am extremely curious about how our thinking about ourselves as we age will impact on the rate at which many things we presume to be genetically encoded will actually occur. I wonder what the long-term health impact will be for those of us who continue to create meaning in our lives rather than allowing ourselves to quietly fade away on some ingrained set of societal beliefs about what's possible for us as we age.

2006-08-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

My cozy little world got well shaken a few days ago when I found out that a good friend and colleague had lost her home in a fire and that her elderly mother had died in that fire. It was yet another reminder about the fragility of life as we know it ...and an invitation to ponder how often we create those invitations for ourselves as we age.

Like me, I'm sure if you are edging towards retirement, or are actually living it, you'll be finding that the number of times you hear about friends, acquaintenances and colleagues dying is increasing. Now I hold myself to be fortunate in that I was widowed at a very young age so have carried with me all my adult life a mindfulness that life can change in a heartbeat. Many of my friends and clients are only now coming to grips with this 'reality' and I've had over 30 years to live in such a way that I savored life as it unfolded rather than defering my enjoyment of it until some mythical time in the future.

In chatting with my good buddy Mike, we are both struck by how strong the belief is amongst our peers that deferred gratification is somehow good for you. We've also noticed that in our generation it is also a specific kind of defered gratification ...creating a meaningful life seems to be something many of us keep putting off until other goals and objectives have been reached and satisfied. We're not very good at deferred gratification in the physical sense: we want the big houses, nice cars, quality furnishings, glamorous vacations, spa treatments, nicely turned out bodies that require frequent trips to the spa and esthetician, kids who are well dressed, well (and expensively) educated, etc., etc., etc. And most of us are prepared to work at jobs that drain our soul (or that we detest) in order to have it all.

I was talking to a potential client one day about his future. He had just spent some time telling me about how miserable his life was, how trapped he felt by many things and that the only thing that kept him going was the dream of a retirement where he would finally be able to be happy, to relax and enjoy himself and where he'd have all the time in the world to discover his true Self.

He was startled when I asked him how he thought he was going to accomplish all of this when he was 55+ if he wasn't able to now. It had never dawned on him that there was no magic switch that turned on and turned him into a different person when he got the gold watch at his retirement party. It was shocking for him to discover that all the things that he dreamt about retirement were based in patterns of thinking and that he was investing himself not one iota in learning how to think himself into being happy, being relaxed, enjoying life, discovering himSelf.

Happiness doesn't happen just because you've saved the requisite amount of money that financial planners say you should and you no longer go to work every day. Happiness and contentment are things you learn to create for yourself. You have to be awake to notice when they are present and you have to invest yourself in a discovery process so that you know what brings you that state of being.

One of the exercises I get my career transition and retirement clients to engage is an exploration of the topic "success". Try it yourself ...make a list of 20 successes you've had in your life. Make the successes as specific as possible ('I took vacation with my kids that summer that my boss required so much overtime' as opposed to 'I was a good parent'). Have them be things that are meaningful to you about your life as opposed to what others thought were successes ('I turned that difficult client into an ally' rather than 'I got the 2004 Customer Service award). Go back as far in your life as you want and look in all areas of your life: work, home, hobbies, sports, community, spiritual, etc., etc. When you have your list completed, reflect on it for a while. What do you know about your rules for yourself and success? (e.g. could you even find 20 stories or is your benchmark so high that only the most noble efforts quality?) What are the patterns hidden in your list? (e.g. do you only notice success if you've had a problem to overcome?) Do your successes cluster in time? (e.g. all your successes happened before you turned 35/after you got married or promoted/when you were taking courses).

When you've completed this exercise, make a list of all the people you know or know of (include celebrities or public figures). What is it about them that you hold them successful? What are the indicators you use to define success in someone else? How does this list compare to what you know about how you assess success in yourself? ...don't be surprised to discover that success in others in measured largely in things like accumulation of status symbols (including recognition), apparent wealth, etc. Also don't be surprised to discover that the measures you use on yourself are significantly tougher, more values based and dismiss many of the external trappings of your life. What does this mean for you in your later years do you think? Will you continue to feel like a success when you are no longer gainfully employed? When you no longer have travel and a nice job title to back you up? How do success, happiness and contentment dance together for you?

What's their relationship to resilience? Because what I've noticed as I've lost friends through death, addiction or diseases such as Alzheimer's is that my resilience is key to my remaining hale, hearty and whole as my life moves on. I choose not to become brittle and embittered despite whatever tragedies occur around me. And I know my investment in my own Self growth is the key to it all. I am absolutely convinced that staying awake to my inner states is critical to living richly and rewardingly, regardless of my age or physical condition. So I thank my friend for the reminder to stay awake, to enjoy my life as it unfolds rather than waiting for the time for enjoyment to come along, and to create each day as a meaningful one so that when my last day arrives I can leave knowing that my journey has been a great one.